How to deal when your partner isn't initiating sex:

Don’t wait for them to ask. Don’t wait until they admit they’re feeling a bit rubbish about themselves.

Tell them you think they’re brilliant, let them know that you want them, and generally make them feel like an incredibly sexy person. They’ll be much more likely to initiate if they know they’re wanted, they feel good, and they’re not worried that you secretly think they’re hideous beasts.

Talk about it without blame 

Don’t say ‘YOU NEVER INITIATE SEX AND I HATE YOU’, obviously.

Explain why you’re feeling frustrated and undesired, then ask what’s going on with them. The easiest way to find out why your partner isn’t initiating sex is to ask them, and once you know for sure, you can get started on sorting things out.

Make things easier 

If they’re worried about their body, chat about positions that’ll make them feel more confident and comfortable.

If they’re stressed out, help them de-stress.

If their mental health issues are bringing down your sex life, chat about changing meds or going to a therapist.

Help because you care about your partner, not just because you’re trying to have sex. Because you know, you should also care about their mental wellbeing, not just their genitals.

Have a signal system

This sounds silly, but it can be a big help.

If your partner can’t tell when you want sex, and you can’t tell if they’re in the mood, come up with a signalling system to get the message across.

For example: When you’re in the mood, you tap them on the leg. If they’re not in the mood, they touch your shoulder. If they’re up for getting sexual, they tap your leg back.

Once you’ve got the leg taps done, you both know you’re up for it and can feel free to initiate.

And if they’re not in the mood, it doesn’t feel as embarrassing as going in for a neck kiss and getting the ‘no’. Easy.

Stop keeping score

Sex is not a competition or a to-do list, and feeling as though they’re being monitored is unlikely to make anyone feel sexy.

Don’t keep score. Don’t say your partner has to initiate because you did it the last three times.

Relax, let things happen, and allow your partner to initiate when they feel comfortable doing so. Ease the pressure a bit and let sex go back to being something that’s enjoyable, rather than an obligation.